Hate: Strategies for Letting Go of Negative Feelings Towards Someone

Hate is a very powerful word – the fiercest of all human emotions! This dark feeling dwells somewhere between the lines of anger, fear, and disgust – three negative emotions that can cause tremendous harm to your mind and body. So, when my patients ask me ‘how can I stop hating someone, they understand that it is more about their own peace and health!  

Love me and I will always live in your heart, silently. Hate me and I will be stuck in your mind, screaming and tormenting; breaking the walls of your sanity! – Don’t you agree?

Hating someone isn’t a pleasant feeling. The blood-boiling rage not only spoils your mood, but it has severe impacts on your overall well-being. It is like being tied with the other person with a poisonous umbilical cord and if you don’t cut this cord, the poison will kill you!

But if we already know that hate is a bad thing then why can’t we just shake it off?

Well, there is a scientific explanation for this.

Also Read: Self-care is self-compassion

Why do we hate the person we hate?

Hate is a natural human emotion. It isn’t something that you have developed suddenly but it has been an integral part of a million years of human evolution. In fact, some historians say that fear and hatred are some of the most primitive human emotions! 

A human experiment by Robert Sapolsky revealed that we see someone different from us as a threat. It activates the area of your brain associated with fear and aggression. This is how primate brains used to function. This was their instinct for survival.

So, next time you feel your blood bubbling, know that anger is just a humane reaction coming from years of evolution. Acknowledging your emotions and knowing why you are feeling what you are feeling will help you better manage your emotions!

Don’t bottle up the hate in your heart

It is a common belief that ignoring your feelings will make them disappear. But the reality is the stark opposite. When you leave an emotion unaddressed, it is the same as leaving a bleeding wound untreated. They just grow over time and cause toxic infections! 

The more intense your emotion becomes, the harder it gets to contain. Strong feelings of hatred have led to the greatest devastations in the history of humanity. From wars to mass massacres, it was hatred brewing inside the hearts of these murderers.

Even if you don’t pick the axe to chop off a head, hatred is still harmful.

Bottling up your emotions will lead to the release of stress hormones. Scientific research has proven that stress is a silent killer. Over time, it can lead to increased inflammation throughout the body resulting in significant health consequences. 

From cancer to obesity to hypertension and heart attacks – stress is a big contributor!

How can I stop hating someone?

Whether it is a colleague at work, an irritating neighbor, or someone in your bloodline, you must let go of the hatred. Not for their sake, but for the sake of your own sanity. Hating them means allowing them to live in your mind, rent-free!

So, here are 10 tips that will help you stop hating –

1. Track the roots of your hatred

There are many reasons that can develop this feeling of hatred towards a person. While in most cases, it stems from the pain they brought to you, in some cases, it is just difficult to pinpoint one particular reason for your hatred!

Take a pen and paper and write down all the reasons that made you hate that person. Once you know the reasons, it will be easier for you to negotiate with your feelings. You can either work on rectifying the relationship or simply move on, taking an entirely different path of life where you never crossways again!

2. Ask yourself – What do they mean to you?

Once you have jotted down the reasons, ask yourself – ‘Is this person important to me?’ It is very common to hate someone you love – it can be your mother, father, siblings, spouse, lover, or distant relatives!

If you feel that you have been wronged by the people you love, then the emotions become stronger and messier. If the person is important to you then take little steps towards healing your relationship. And if it is someone whose existence barely matters to you then simply move on!

3. Heal your hurting wounds

Many times, the hatred streaming inside us does not really have anything to do with the person we hate. Sometimes it is your own insecurities and complexities that are weaving this web of negative emotions.

So, when you wrote down that note listing the reasons, take a closer look to see if your hatred is really justified. If you are hating someone just because he or she is outdoing you at a job or they are performing better or living a better life, then you need to develop self-compassion!

4. End the cycle of hate

Hate is one such emotion that is easiest to reciprocate. If you hate someone then there is a fair chance that you will get hate in return. This will further inflate your stress levels. 

So, put an end to this hate cycle by having a simple conversation over coffee. And if you feel that this wouldn’t work then just cut the cord of hatred at your end. Whenever you get the feeling of hatred hammering your head, put on your headphones and move away from the situation.

5. Breathe it out 

It is one of the most popular tips for managing stress, anger, and hate. Breathe slowly whenever you are feeling angry. Try to clear your head of the overwhelming emotion and don’t let your demons control your mind. 

This is what you can do the next time you cross paths – Inhale slowly and count to 4, then count to 4 as you exhale. Take slow, deep breaths for at least 90 seconds, and let your mind switch gears!

6. Write a hate letter

Love letters are common, but it is the hate letters that make chartbuster songs. So, next time you feel a strong surge of hatred coursing through your veins, take out a pen and paper and write down a hate letter without any judgments!

Address the person you hate and write every bit of feeling that crosses your mind. Once you are done writing, don’t post or email it! Burn it down or tear it away. This will let your feelings find an outlet. Destroying the letter will make you feel relieved and it will help you understand yourself in a better way.

7. Vent it out 

One of the best healing strategies is talking it out. So, talk to someone you trust about these feelings, someone who doesn’t judge you, who will listen to you and may help you process these emotions. Getting a fresh perspective from someone who cares about you can give you a better understanding of the situation. 

But don’t vent about someone in front of a person who knows you both. This is gossip and it is a common mistake that ends up increasing your complications. It is a common trait in many people to backstab you when you trust them.

8. Talk to a therapist 

When hate becomes overwhelming pour it out. If you have been seriously faulted by someone and you are harboring the hate from that event or relationship then consider seeking help. Many times, these unprocessed ununderstood feelings can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and serious conditions like fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a common condition that causes pain all over the body and can also lead to sleep problems, fatigue, and emotional and mental distress.

So, if you have bottled up feelings about an assault, abuse, bullying, disrespect, or disturbed childhood then consider consulting a professional therapist.

Take a note!

In conclusion, hating someone is normal. It is the yin and yang that make you humane! But it is important to direct your energies in the right way. If you keep feeding your negative thoughts then it will lead you on the wrong path and may trigger your violent behavior.

This was probably acceptable a million centuries ago, in the Stone Age to act violently in fear or anger. But since we have come a long way in understanding the world and the human universe, we can process our emotions in a better way!