Harmful Effects of Possessiveness on the Mind

‘You are a precious diamond I behold close to my heart, an invaluable gem I want to shield from the world. You are my one true love; I can’t imagine breathing without. I want my days to begin with your gaze and my nights shall unwind in your arms coil’.

These words can mellow a heart of steel. The thrill of hopeless romance and mystic amour is no doubt erotic. But honestly, only the sound of these words seems magical. The literal translation means only ‘misery’!’

Yes, possessiveness is nothing but misery. A plague of the toxicity. Poison of the mind. Possessiveness is a like a parasite that cripples your relationship ripping it off bit by bit. Every instance of jealousy puts your relationship in jeopardy. 

Most of us have walked across at least one possessive person in our life. Either you have been in a relationship and experienced it first-hand or you are married to one; you have seen a close one blabber irrationally, or it’s you who is unknowingly clasping the shackle.

It’s so common yet left unspoken!

Relations choke to this overwhelming closeness. 

So, let’s peel the layers of possessive psychology and look underneath to understand the real problems. 

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A not so fairy-tale: A  girl’s confession

When I first met him, he seemed very caring, attentive and always present for me. Even before I realized we started dating. He would bare his heart and say that I was his medicine in pain. It was all heavenly in the first few days.

Initially, I also invested all my time to him. 

Where ever I had to go, he insisted on accompanying me. Be it shopping, dining or movies or general outing. My life was consumed by his presence. I missed hanging out with my friends. But after repeated ‘no show’ in their plans, my friends drifted away too. 

The first few months, I didn’t realize what I was losing. 

I was happy to think that whatever I did, I did for the sake of love. 

But problems poured in our paradise when I tried to go back to my normal life.

He would get pissed if I went out with my girlfriends. My male friends would make him angry. He even did not like my closeness to my siblings. His insecurities and ego took the better of him.

He started checking my phone. Asked me my passwords. Started complaining of petty things.

And I started to lose the love and respect for him. 

In months a beautiful relationship turned into a suffocating binding. 

Yet, I continued to be by his side, thinking about how important I was for him. Only to realize after 3 years that he was cheating on me!

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The menace in  marriage: A  story of a lady

We are programmed to think that marriage is the solution to all problems!

I am married to my husband for 4 years now. And recently he lost his job.

It was not just the job that he lost!

He also lost the sensitive and understanding husband that I adored.

Sitting idle at home all day long, he just kept wondering if the world is crumbling around him.

He started checking my phone. He kept calling me in my office hours. And if he overhears the voice of a male colleague then it would become an issue at the dining table.

It was our mutual decision to not have a child until we are settled properly. But now he blames me! That I am not sure about this relationship. I might walk out. I might have an affair. And that’s why I didn’t want to carry his baby.

Every day I would come home to some nonsense. 

He started drinking too and the situation became too hostile to live.

My parents and in-laws just kept pushing me to support him in the tough times. 

Everyone seems to understand his pain but no one saw the ordeal I was going through.

I felt like being stuck with a maniac where no conversation makes sense. 

Finally, I walked out and moved to my friend’s home.

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Girlfriend troubles: A boy’s story

It’s not just the man who gets possessive. Women can get possessive too.

My girlfriend is cute but crazy. 

She can go to any extent to have all of me.

Threaten my girl-friends. Throw away my clothes that she didn’t like. Announce a fake emergency. Hack my account. Asked her best friend to stalk me. Tested my loyalty by asking her best friend to propose. She has done it all.

And I have lost my mind.

But walking out of the clench of such a crazy person is never easy.

From suicide threats to blackmail, the door out is decked with thorns.

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 Wife’s trust issues

Women who are insecure bug their husbands to constantly remind them of loyalty.

It’s a task considering all the other things a man got to do in a day.

And it’s not like these wives get satisfied.

An expensive gift, he is cheating. Forgot to call, he is ignoring. Stuck in traffic, he must be flirting. 

Their mind is programmed to doubt. And life becomes a living hell when one partner behaves so irrationally.

Also Read: 7 secret ingredients for a happy marriage.

Possessiveness the poison!

No matter what the relationship is, possessiveness is a poison.

Even when a mother tries too hard to put a leash on her son or daughter, the later wean away!

Possessiveness is not love. There is a thin line between being protective and being possessive. Protectiveness shows care while possessiveness is a reflection of a shallow being. It often emerges from the deep insecurities that lie buried. 

When a person abandons their inner self, they feel the urge to cling on to others. They seek acceptance. They want to feel complete. But the irony is no one else can make a person feel wholesome. 

So, their fears and insecurities surface in the form of possessiveness. 

The psychology of possessiveness 

Possessiveness emerges from dependence. It’s more of a psychological dependence rather than financial dependence. The dependence is so crippling that fear and insecurities take over love. Fear of losing the anchor creates anxiety, fear, suspicion and frustration.

The fear is so gripping that one loses control over their mind and behaviour. In many cases, partners complain of violent behaviour. Protectiveness turns into a dictatorship. Respect and space go for a toss. And love becomes a burden. 

Without the space for individuality, growth ceases. Negativity creeps. And everything sweet about a budding relation turns bitter. All the negative emotions project onto the partner.

This dependence is the root of friction and conflicts. While one puts the leash the other strives even harder to walk away. This stress and strain leave the relationship tattered. 

Pacifying a possessive heart

The first step to deal with possessiveness is acknowledging it. 

Accepting that it is not a good thing, is the beginning of a change.

Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan confessed in many interviews that he was a possessive person. And because of which his wife walked away from him. (Bollywood chat show Rendezvous With Simi Garewal, back in 1997). Many idolized his possessive love, but they fail to see the change he has brought around in his character.

Consider your inner self as a little child. If you abandon that child, if you don’t listen, if you are never attentive, then that child will grow up to be insecure. Constantly demanding attention. Seeking approvals. And lose a sense of self. 

So, the best thing to turn things around is connecting to the inner-self.

Ways to connect with your inner-self 

• Meditate
• Make peace
• Talk it out
• Spare quality time.
• Let go the insecurities 

Possessiveness – The Poison

Possessiveness is a poison. But luckily, it does not have to be lethal for a relationship. There are ways to workaround. Acknowledging the problem in possessiveness helps in dealing. Unless the person has deeper psychological issues, possessiveness can be dealt with self-care.