We Indians don’t talk about sex! It’s a banned thing, a cuss word, a complete disgrace. Until the day you tie the knot, you aren’t allowed to say the word. But everything miraculously changes the day you get married. They give you one night, just one night, and expect a child the next morning!
Back in the summer of 2003, we witnessed one of the most flamboyant weddings. They held the wedding in a five-star hotel, and every pillar and every corner of that posh property gleamed with bright lights. Bhuvan and his wife were both engineers, rich, young, and beautiful. The day after the long ceremonies were over, they flew to Seychelles for a honeymoon, which was a hot cake of gossip for their relatives.
They spent one month on this little-known island, honeymooning. So, the day they landed their feet back home, everyone wanted to hear just one thing: the good news. After all, they did it for 30 days on a distant island!!! That’s what they assumed.
But the good news did not ring a bell even six months after their marriage. One day, Bhuvan’s mother called me anxiously. She was worried because her daughter-in-law had not yet conceived. They wanted to send the couple to me for counseling as the issues are not to be discussed in the family.
I told them to give the kids some time and space. They are young and healthy, and they will take things at their own pace. Just then, the father joined the conversation and told me to at least talk with the couple.
After a week, Bhuvan and his wife were in my clinic. They were both shy and hesitant to discuss their bedroom secrets with me. After settling down for quite some time, his wife opened up. They were finding it difficult to have sex. It’s a common problem among many newly married couples, but no one discusses it openly!
“Sir, I think there is something wrong with the way we are approaching our sex life. I feel so much pain that I can’t even bear his finger going inside me. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be this way or if it’s different for other women, but every time he tries, I chicken out.”
I understood her problem. In medical terms, it’s called vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition in which involuntary muscle spasm interferes with vaginal intercourse or other penetration. This often results in extreme pain during sex. It’s more common when vaginal intercourse is attempted for the first time, and gradually, the pain diminishes. One of her cousins had the same problem, severe pain, and bleeding during intercourse. She was hospitalized during her honeymoon, and that has cast a negative imprint on her. This is also one of the things that contributed to her panic.
Bhuvan too opened up and shared that he was having performance anxiety and premature ejaculation. Having researched the topic, he learned that it is common for men to face challenges during their initial sexual experiences.
They both cried like little children. They were yet to figure out their sex life, and the family peeking into their bedroom made things worse. How can someone enjoy sex at gunpoint? I listened to both sides of their story and called them the next day for their counseling sessions. She cried this time. Their parents’ hopeful eyes were paining her. They were getting sleepless nights. The intimacy and love in sex faded out, and the bedroom became a place of mission. It was tense, and stress is the biggest enemy of fertility. They both had lost weight, and there were dark circles beneath their eyes. The luster of their skin was gone.
Marriage is a huge change, and it takes time to adjust to sharing our intimate space with someone else. And the pressure from family on a child is inhumane. I counseled them and told them that it’s quite common in India because we don’t explore our sexuality and are not open to discussions, so we don’t know many things about sex. It’s not a disease; it’s just sexual illiteracy.
I prescribed Geriforte to both of them to ease the stress and sent them to Bharath Thakur’s artistic yoga classes. I educated them about the four easy positions of sex – missionary, face-to-face, the edge, and woman on top. They felt awkward, but for me, it was just science.
I advised Bhuvan to apply a little Xylocaine jelly to the glans penis and asked him to wear condoms for the first few days. I gave them a book from my shelf and told them to read ‘Sex Power’ by D. H. Dastur. I also had a conversation with their parents, advising them to be patient and give the couple some time.
After three days, Bhuvan sent me an SMS – “Mission successful.” I smiled at his victory. They had their first intercourse. But that also does not guarantee a pregnancy. Couples must try for 8 to 12 months of good sex before going for treatment. The next month, he texted me again, “Sharmila is pregnant.”
Now they have three children!!!
Twenty years later, Bhuvan came to my clinic with his relative for infertility treatment.
(Note: The names of the individuals in this article have been changed to Bhuvan and Sharmila to ensure their privacy.)
Is it normal for newlyweds to face sex-related challenges?
Absolutely! It’s completely normal for newlyweds to encounter sex-related issues as they navigate this new phase of their relationship.
What are some common sex problems that newly married couples may experience?
Common sex problems for newlyweds may include difficulties with communication, differences in sexual desire, performance anxiety, and adjusting to each other’s sexual preferences.
How can a lack of sexual communication affect a newlywed couple’s intimacy?
Lack of sexual communication can lead to misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and feelings of frustration, hindering the couple’s intimacy and connection.
Is it common for one partner to have a higher sex drive than the other?
Yes, differences in sexual desire are common among couples. It’s essential to address these differences openly and find a mutually satisfying solution.
How can performance anxiety impact a couple’s sexual relationship?
Performance anxiety can lead to stress and pressure, affecting one’s ability to enjoy intimacy and leading to sexual difficulties.
Are there any physical factors that could affect sexual experiences for newlyweds?
Yes, physical factors like health conditions, fatigue, or hormonal changes may influence a couple’s sexual experiences.
How can emotional intimacy contribute to a satisfying sexual relationship?
Emotional intimacy fosters trust and connection, which are crucial for a satisfying sexual relationship. Feeling emotionally close can enhance the overall experience.
Are there any effective ways to improve sexual communication between partners?
Open and honest communication about desires, boundaries, and concerns is key to improving sexual communication.
Can stress and lifestyle changes impact a couple’s sex life?
Stress and lifestyle changes can affect sexual desire and performance. Finding ways to manage stress and adapt to new circumstances can be helpful.
Should couples seek professional help if they encounter persistent sex-related issues?
If sex-related issues persist and affect the couple’s well-being, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual health can be beneficial.
How can couples rekindle their sexual spark after the honeymoon phase?
Exploring new experiences, trying new things, and prioritizing quality time together can help reignite the sexual spark.
Are there any recommended resources for couples looking to improve their sex life?
There are various books, workshops, and online resources available that offer guidance on enhancing sexual intimacy in relationships.
Can past experiences or traumas affect a person’s sexual confidence in a new marriage?
Yes, past experiences or traumas can impact a person’s sexual confidence. Understanding and supporting each other through these challenges is essential for healing and growth.
How can couples navigate differences in sexual preferences?
Understanding and respecting each other’s preferences are crucial. Finding common ground and compromising can help couples navigate these differences.
Is experimenting with intimacy and trying new things beneficial for a newlywed couple?
Experimenting with intimacy can be a fun and exciting way for couples to explore each other’s desires and strengthen their connection.
Can setting realistic expectations about sex in marriage be helpful?
Setting realistic expectations can prevent unnecessary pressure and disappointment, allowing couples to focus on building a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life.
How can a busy lifestyle affect a couple’s sex life?
A busy lifestyle can lead to fatigue and reduced sexual desire. Scheduling intimate moments and making time for each other can counteract these effects.
Is it normal for sexual frequency to fluctuate in a new marriage?
Yes, sexual frequency may vary in any marriage, especially during times of stress or life changes. Open communication can help partners navigate these fluctuations.
Can celebrating small victories in a relationship positively impact a couple’s sex life?
Absolutely! Celebrating achievements and expressing appreciation can strengthen the emotional connection, which often enhances the sexual relationship.
What are some effective ways to build trust and intimacy in a new marriage?
Building trust and intimacy requires open communication, vulnerability, and active listening. Taking time to understand each other’s needs and being supportive creates a strong foundation for intimacy.
How can cultural or religious beliefs impact a couple’s sexual relationship?
Cultural or religious beliefs can influence attitudes toward sex and intimacy. Couples need to have open discussions about their beliefs and find ways to respect each other’s values.
Are there any lifestyle changes that can positively impact a couple’s sex life?
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle with regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and sufficient rest can positively affect a couple’s energy levels and overall well-being, potentially enhancing their sex life.
Can a lack of sexual experience be a concern for newlyweds?
A lack of sexual experience is not uncommon for many newlyweds. With open communication and a willingness to explore together, couples can learn and grow together sexually.
How can couples manage the pressure to conform to societal expectations regarding sex?
Couples need to focus on their own needs and desires rather than conforming to external pressures. Understanding that every relationship is unique can help reduce unnecessary stress.
Can stress affect sexual desire and performance in both men and women?
Yes, stress can impact sexual desire and performance in both men and women. Finding ways to manage stress, such as through relaxation techniques or seeking support, can be helpful.
How can couples maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life long-term?
Keeping the lines of communication open, regularly expressing affection, and continuing to explore each other’s desires is key to maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex life over time.
Are there any natural remedies or techniques to address common sexual problems?
While some couples may find natural remedies helpful, it’s essential to consult a healthcare professional if sexual problems persist to rule out any underlying medical issues.
Can emotional conflicts or unresolved issues outside the bedroom affect a couple’s sex life?
Yes, emotional conflicts or unresolved issues can spill over into a couple’s sex life, affecting intimacy. Addressing these issues through a communication or seeking therapy can be beneficial.
Is it normal for sexual attraction to evolve or change over time in a marriage?
Yes, sexual attraction can evolve in any long-term relationship. Keeping the emotional connection strong and being open to change can help partners adapt to these shifts.
How can couples maintain a sense of romance and spontaneity in their sex life?
Surprising each other with romantic gestures, setting aside special date nights, and exploring new ways to connect emotionally and physically can infuse romance and spontaneity into a couple’s sex life.
