Expectations in a Relationship: Managing Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations

Expectations in a relationship often lead to conflict between the couples.

According to relationship experts, unfulfilled expectations are one of the main causes of bickering in a marriage. But isn’t it natural to have certain expectations from your partner?

Well, not all expectations are unreasonable. Expecting unconditional love, open communication, loyalty, and goodwill are all basic expectations in a relationship. However, there is a very thin line between realistic expectations and unrealistic expectations.

Expecting your partner to understand you are right, but expecting them to understand you without speaking is toxic. Similarly, expecting quality time with your partner is right, but expecting them to be available for you 24 X 7 is wrong. Having unrealistic expectations from your partner will strain your relationship sooner or later. Thus, managing your expectations in a relationship is very crucial.

Managing your expectations correctly can help make your relationship stronger.

How unrealistic expectations can cause relationship problems

Unrealistic expectations in a relationship are the root of all problems.

We all claim our unconditional love and want to feel that unconditional love, but in reality, we all walk into a relationship with a huge baggage of expectations. Having unrealistic expectations from your partner simply means you are setting them up for failure. 

Your unrealistic expectations can make your partner feel incompetent, unhappy, and sour toward the relationship. This can make them feel that the relationship has turned into a battlefield where they have to prove their worth at every step. Thus, your unrealistic expectations can set up your relationship for failure.

Understanding realistic Expectations in a Relationship

To manage expectations in a relationship, it is crucial to understand what realistic expectations are. These are not mere expectations, but basic needs that must be fulfilled for each partner to feel secure in the relationship. Such expectations help strengthen your bond.

Here are some of the expectations that healthy couples have from each other:

Expecting a space for open communication

• Being able to communicate with your partner without any fear of judgment is a very basic expectation. This includes discussing needs, wants, and desires. Communicating means speaking with respect and listening without getting defensive.
• If your partner is not open to communicating important issues like future planning, financial planning, or current problems, then it’s important to make them understand by talking politely. You can also consider consulting a relationship counsellor. 

Here are some tips to promote open communication in your relationship:

• Process your emotions before speaking to your partner.
• Know when to speak.
• Don’t start the statements with ‘You’. Replace it with ‘I’. Instead of saying ‘You are not doing any household chores’ say ‘I am overburdened with the household chores. Do you think you can help?’
• Listen as you speak.
• Never give them the silent treatment.
• Don’t yell or scream to get their attention.
• Learn to forgive.

Expecting respect from each other

Respect is one of the most important ingredients needed in a healthy relationship. Expecting respect from your partner is basic. This involves talking to each other with respect, respecting each other’s opinions, and not gossiping behind their back. Relationships that lack respect often go through tumultuous tides. These couples never grow together.

I once met a couple, well-educated, both working in the IT field, with good designations. They were very well-spoken and had a good reputation in society. However, behind closed doors, their arguments were the same as those people we see fighting on the streets. 

Here are some tips to build respect in your relationship:

• Listening to each other, not to respond but to hear what they have to say.
• Always choose your words carefully.
• Don’t drag mistakes of the past into the present argument.
• Never fight to win the argument.
• Always be on the same team.
• Never go to bed angry.
• Be patient with your partner.
• Value each other’s feelings and validate the needs.
• Be kind to each other.
• Build space in the relationship.
• Honour the boundaries of your relationship.

Making little compromises

It takes more than the love between couples to make a relationship work. Making small compromises like adjusting your schedule or making small shifts in your lifestyle can help make your bond strong.

A few days ago a couple came to my clinic. The husband wanted to buy a dog, but the wife was not agreeing. Considering their tight schedule and compact apartments, she said getting the dog was an impractical decision. They had been arguing over this for months. The husband began resenting his wife and the wife was tired of the endless negotiations. No one was ready for a compromise. 

Here are some tips for making compromises in a relationship:

• Have an open dialogue.
• Be clear about your boundaries. 
• But be flexible about your standards, expectations, and boundaries.
• See compromise with a positive mindset. 
• Do not keep a count of what you did and what they did not.
• If you are the only one compromising in the relationship, then talk to a relationship counsellor.
• Be considerate about your partner’s likings, interests, and dislikings.

Supporting one another

Expecting your partner to support you and doing the same for them is very important to form a strong bond. This includes being there for your partner during good and bad times and offering emotional support when needed. Supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations is a basic sign of a healthy relationship.

A couple embraced parenthood a few years ago. Pregnancy was tough for the wife. It was her first child and they were staying in the city away from home. The husband too had no idea about parenting. Neither did he bother to study or talk to someone about pregnancy. He tried to do whatever she told him and sometimes even that was too much for him. The husband loved his freedom and wasn’t ready to compromise on anything. This created a huge crack in their relationship that he could never fill.

Here are some tips to make build a supportive relationship:

• Talk to each other and listen to what your partner has to say.
• Support each other’s dreams.
• Be there for your partner at important events.
• Offer help in any way you can.
• Be patient with each other.
• Give reassuring words when your partner doubts themselves.
• Be proud of each other.
• Show compassion towards each other.

Intimacy

Intimacy in a relationship is a very important pillar. Being intimate does not mean intercourse or sex. Being intimate with your partner means being vulnerable, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It could mean having uncomfortable conversations, long walks with peaceful silence, cuddling after a tiring day, crying on each other’s shoulders, or giving a kiss on the forehead. 

The language of intimacy differs for both men and women. Men need sex to feel loved while women need to feel loved to have sex. 

One of my patients, about 35 years old, began ranting about his wife, and how his wife became disinterested in sex with him. They hardly have sex once a month now. So, he asked ‘How is it wrong for him to have an extramarital affair?’ 

Well, this is a very common scenario. When things don’t go right in the relationship you tend to look for alternatives outside the marriage rather than trying to fix it. I asked him when was the last time he complimented her or took her out, brought flowers for her, or pampered her.

Here are some tips to build intimacy in a relationship:

• Always appreciate your partner, no matter how small or big their gesture is.
• Be truthful to your partner, vulnerability is important.
• Don’t be afraid to have deep emotional conversations.
• Do something new together.
• Display physical affection with hugs, kisses, and soft kisses.
• Spend time together and work on your communication skills.
• Bring a good sense of dependability where walking away becomes difficult.      
• Be brave to explore different things in bed and keep sex interesting.

Unrealistic Expectations in a Relationship

While realistic expectations can help strengthen the bond and bring the couple close, unrealistic expectations can create friction, misunderstanding, and frustration. This can make the relationship a toxic place for either or both partners. Many people come into a relationship with unrealistic expectations because of some preconceived notion of how their partner should be. 

Oftentimes, unrealistic expectations also arise from some complex and deep-seated insecurities. However, not working on the core problem and burdening your partner with unrealistic expectations will hamper all your relationships.

Here are some unrealistic expectations that are commonly seen in relationships:

Expecting your partner to change their values for you

Every person grows up with a set of values that they have developed over the years through their experience. Expecting your partner to change their values just to match yours is wrong. However, you can have an open conversation with your partner and discuss the clashing of values and find a middle ground. 

The difference in core values might create a problem when it comes to raising your children, planning your finances, or working on your career growth. Here are some ways that can help you work around this – 

• Don’t be too rigid with your values, keep some room for flexibility.
• Understand that every concept in this world is abstract. So, there is nothing called absolutely right or absolutely wrong.
• Never disrespect each other’s value system, especially in front of others.

Expecting your partner to change their nature

Some people are naturally introverted; while some are extroverted. Expecting your partner to change their core nature will not go well in the long run. You cannot be nagging an introverted person to be a people person at the party. Similarly, you cannot keep an extrovert away from people.

I once met a couple, where the husband got very angry because his wife was an extrovert. She could easily mingle with people, win them with her charm, and loved going out. He used to judge her character and abuse her because of her nature. That couple is divorced now. 

Here is how you can bring about positive change in a person:

• A stone cannot give shape to a pot. If you hit a pot with a stone, it will break. This means you cannot change a person with anger or harsh words.
• Be like the potter’s hands, soft, caressing, and still shifting shape the pot.
• Express your concerns but don’t nag them.
• Always start small.
• Don’t be manipulative they will understand it sooner or later.
• Never try to change them to satisfy your ego.
• If you have to bring a change, then do it for their own good, to make them better people.

Expecting your partner to look a certain way

This is a very common expectation that people have when they think about relationships. Men want a wife like Deepika Padukone and women want Shah Rukh Khan. But if you live in that illusion, you are bound to be disappointed. 

Here’s how you can work this out  

• If you want your partner to look better then pamper them with salon sessions and spas. 
• Motivate them to go to the gym and give them company if needed.
• Appreciate them for their efforts and tell them that results are showing.
• Make workout fun for them.
• If you want them to dress better then help them choose the right dresses. 
• Don’t force them to dress a particular way. Some people are more comfortable in basics, some love to doll it up in traditional wear while some prefer Western dresses. 
• Adapt an active lifestyle and practice good food habits.

Don’t expect your partner to be your source of happiness 

Nobody else in the world can make you happy if you are not content with yourself. Your happiness shall never depend on someone else’s actions. This will result in disappointments, arguments, and frustration.

Here are some tips for being happy in your relationship:

• Find your happiness in things that bring joy to you.
• Start your day early and relish the morning silence.
• Meditate, exercise, and do yoga to boost your happy hormones.
• Read lots of good books to stimulate your brain.
• Take up a hobby and try new things.
• Have a life beyond your relationship.
• Pamper yourself from time to time.

Don’t expect your partner to be always available

This is another very common expectation. ‘I should be my partner’s number one priority’. You are not even your own number 1 priority at all times. You miss your medicines, skip the gym, binge-watch night shows, and do a lot of things that you know are not good for you. So, expecting your partner to make you their number 1 priority at all times is wrong. 

Here are some of the things that you must do:

• Build a very strong support system around you.
• Understand they may not have the bandwidth for you at all times.
• Engage yourself in other ways.
• Don’t overthink the negative things.

Don’ts in a relationship

• Don’t make unreasonable demands in the relationship.
• Never assume that you know what’s best for your partner.
• Avoid repeating the same things. Be it actions or words.
• Never ever threaten them to leave the relationship.

7 Ways to Manage Expectations in a Relationship

Give time to yourself and your partner

When it comes to building a relationship, you need to be very patient. Even if you want to see certain changes in your partner, then understand that it might not happen in a few days. You threatening them or abusing them or putting a timer on their head will not work. Be patient and kind and always trust the process.

Be Open-Minded

The wider your mind is, the easier your life will be. Keep an open mind to accept your partner the way they are. And acceptance is a big thing. It will also help you embrace change and adjust to new situations.

Address conflict respectfully

Often times when couples argue, one will be speaking the other walks away. That’s not the right thing to do. Listen and speak to find a solution. If your partner asks for some time then give them the time to cool off. Try to understand their perspective more than prove your point.

Practice Gratitude

Practising gratitude can help in managing your emotions, combating stress, and fighting depression. Start your day with positive words of affirmation. Write down at least 5 things you are grateful for. The more you are grateful, the more you shall receive.

Consider what makes you happy

We often overestimate how happy a certain event can make us. Many people think that owning a house or a car can make them happy. These things can make their life comfortable but not happy.

Don’t Bottle Up Your Feelings

Many people choose not to speak their minds thinking that they will hurt their partner. But not channelling their thoughts in the right way will create a build-up inside their head which is going to erupt someday.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

When you get into a relationship, you are a team. There is no me or he. Being in a relationship means completing each other. If one of you is forgetting to switch off the lights, then do it without nagging them. Don’t sweat the small stuff.