10 Taboo Topics About Love and Intimacy That Need to Be Discussed

No matter how evolved we say we have become, talking about sex is still taboo. And the little we talk makes things even worse. In men, the vague idea about sex either comes from porn or peers who likes to exaggerate things beyond reality. And for some girls, shockingly the page of sex education remains blank until marriage. So, in this blog, I will be talking about sex and intimacy and tell you things that nobody talks about.

First of all, sex and intimacy are not the same things!

People often use these words interchangeably. We got intimate meaning to say they had intercourse. But intimacy goes beyond sex. Sex and intimacy are both a roller coaster of emotions and hormones which need to be balanced right for that perfect happy life!

In ancient times, sex was considered analogous to hunger and thirst. It’s a basic human need. Sex is more than a recreational activity, it’s arguably the most pleasurable experience known to mankind. And that’s why the jittery, nervousness, and anxiety often come along. It’s not just you, but many people feel the same pressure when it comes to sex!

Also Read: Ayurvedic Doctor shares 7 secret ingredients to a happy marriage

Here are a few common sex problems that many young adults’ encounter – 

Intimacy – The common sex problems

The suhaag raat syndrome 

This is often a scene in new-married Indians. What do most Indians do on their overhyped Suhag Raat? They sleep. Indian weddings are big, fat, elaborate, and exhausting affairs that go on for days. And by the time it all ends the bride and the groom are tired to their bones. 

Well, that’s one reason why marriages are not consummated on the wedding night. In arranged marriages, anxiety and nervousness are the principal reasons why couples avoid sex. Also, in arranged marriage setups, the couple hardly had any interaction. Thus, getting into each other’s pants may not be the best way to say hello!

So, if you are worried about your first night after marriage, then it’s legit. And if your friend is telling you how many times he did it on the first night or how many hours he went on, know that he is bluffing!

Also Read: Ashwagandha for Men – Fertility and Fear

Inadequate knowledge

Many people suffer from the lack of sex education syndrome. While men tend to gather some knowledge on sex, women from conservative backgrounds may have no idea about sex. And when sex actually happens it’s more of a shock than pleasure. Lack of experience in men and lack of knowledge in women results in traumatizing aftermath! 

And if the first penetration is so hurtful and shocking, then sex becomes a challenge. The woman may suffer from bruising and minor lacerations in her genital area. Sex can be painful for men too. They may tear the frenulum of the penis if the penetration is too harsh.

The best approach to such situations is communication between the partners. Talking about sex before making love can be very helpful. And in case, if you need help, then consulting a sex therapist can be a smart move. 

Performance anxiety 

One of the most erroneous things in our society is the macho portrayal of men. So, fears and insecurities about sexual performance can result in stress and anxiety. They focus so much on the tools and sizes that they don’t realize that sexual arousal is an emotional thing. And when you get stressed, anxious, depressed, or fearful, sexual arousal becomes extremely difficult.

The size of the penis is a major concern among many Indian men. Since many men resort to pornography, they think unnaturally endowed men are real. They end up feeling inadequate about their size. But the truth is three inches of an erect penis is more than adequate. Only the first couple of inches of a woman’s vagina are rich in nerve endings. So, it’s not how much you have but how effectively you use it. 

Also Read: Ayurvedic Treatment for Erectile Dysfunction

Premature Ejaculation 

This is another common problem that guys get embarrassed about. Premature ejaculation is the early phase of a sexual relationship that is absolutely normal. This mostly happens because of anxiety of sexual performance and sexual inexperience. Also, the heightened anticipation of sexual pleasure can result in hyper-excitability that can result in premature ejaculation. 

But because of the preconceived notions, the man tends to feel miserable and inadequate. This further aggravates his performance anxiety and the cycle keeps repeating. So, if a man is having premature ejaculations for the first few times, then he can try to satisfy his partner through oral stimulation or masturbation. 

However, if the problem of premature ejaculation continues then it’s wise to consult a sex therapist. 

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Painful intercourse for women (dyspareunia)

Like men, women too can suffer from sexual dysfunctions. Dyspareunia is severe pain during intercourse. Typically, dryness of the vagina is caused by anxiety and fear. Inadequate lubrication can also be caused by inadequate sexual stimulation. Women need more stimulation than men.

However, this problem can be easily corrected by the application of vaginal lubricant jellies. The other causes of dyspareunia are pelvic infections, tough hymen, and vaginal size. These issues would require a gynecological evaluation. 

Also Read: Frigidity in Women

Vaginismus

This is another sexual dysfunction in women. Sometimes, the vaginal muscles can go into spasm and keep the orifice tightly shut. This can prevent penetrative sex. This condition is called vaginismus.

Vaginismus can be caused by a variety of reasons. But the most common is often related to psychological discomfort. This is very common in arranged marriages where women are made to engage in sex with a stranger. 

In most cases, some patience and some easing up between the partners can help in treating this condition. But if it doesn’t go away on its own, then do consult a sex therapist or counselor.

Prior BITTER experiences 

Well, this ideally should not be an issue, but in most Indian marriages this is the big black bomb. Most Indian men get scared when the woman has got previous sexual experience, especially if he is a virgin. The guy gets terrified thinking she has benchmarks which makes it difficult for him to sexually satisfy her.

The ideal solution to this is to talk it through while keeping your boundaries in mind. Because of your insecurities don’t disrespect her for her past and the same goes for the man. This will make things worse for good. And always avoid sharing the gory details or asking uncomfortable questions if your partner shares the past!

Child abuse

The incidence of sexual abuse of children, especially girl children, is very high in India. Despite being so common it hardly gets reported, mostly because, the abuser is an older relative. So, women tend to repress the event into their subconscious minds rather than open up and get help. 

Many women end up building a wall around them. They get repulsed by sexual encounters. For such women, a supportive spouse is absolutely critical to the process of recovery. So, if you or your partner feels repulsed by or actively aversion to the thought of sex, then consider getting help. 

Enhancing INTIMATE togetherness 

Well, what happens in your bedroom is your business. However, you might want to level the playing field, to experience genuine sexual togetherness and sexual intimacy. And these guidelines may help –

Educate yourself about sex before you get married. And use legitimate sources of information in doing so. Parents should be more open about sex and sexual issues when they are dealing with teens.

Approach your sex life with the intention of making love. This makes sex a more mutually satisfying process. Make sure to establish emotional comfort before jumping into bed. 

Foreplay with little touches and kisses really helps. Women have seven spots that stimulate their orgasms – ears, elbows, knees, neck, breasts, vagina, and anus. Find out what works for your woman! 

Talk about it. Take the cat out of the bag and talk about what you want and how you like it with your partner. Laying the game rules makes it more exciting for both!

After-play is as important as foreplay. Take this time to snuggle, cuddle, chat, or just lie in each other’s touch. It increases the bonding between partners.

Don’t fall for what others say they do. Find your own fit! 

Make sure whatever you do in the bedroom make sure you both consent to that.

Also Read – Role-Reversal – the new trend in India

About Emotional Intimacy

The term ‘intimacy’ is not registered in Indian minds. People most often use this word to refer to sex. Sex and intimacy seem like synonyms. But intimacy goes far beyond sex. Emotional intimacy is the chief agent of bonding between marital partners. 

Intimacy is not ‘romantic love either. Although romance is an expression of intimacy, the latter is much more than romance. Many couples fear the spark fading out with time. Though the small displays of romance fade out, intimacy never does. 

Also Read: 5 simple tips for highly sensitive people – Emotional Immunity

Sex and Intimacy – What does intimacy mean?

Intimacy is a feeling of closeness

Intimacy is a kind of closeness that makes silence pleasurable. It makes mundane everyday kinds of shared chores relaxing. If you are able to tune into your partner’s anxieties and comfort them then you have established emotional intimacy. 

Intimacy is sharing emotions

Intimacy is a feeling that is expected to naturally flow in a relationship. But that’s not the scene in most cases. Partners must open up to each other, talk about all things, and share their emotions. Many people are highly sensitive but they fail to express them. Couples must work together to develop emotional intimacy.

Intimacy is about sharing emotional needs

We often expect our partners to magically understand our feelings and emotions. That’s what all the romantic movies taught us. But the reality is far from this! So, if you want your partner to understand your emotions then tell them what you are feeling rather than playing the guess what game. Because that leads to a disaster. No one can guess what’s going on in the maze of your mind. 

Intimacy needs time

There is no switch to intimacy. It’s not like you get into a relationship and you can switch on your intimacy. Hurried kisses and hopping hugs do not make for intimacy. The best way to go about it is to have an ‘intimacy evening’ every week. Keep this time just for you and your spouse. Let the kids, friends, work, and everything else take a break. You take this time to talk to each other, listen to each other, and enjoy each other. It doesn’t have to be an extravagant date. Go for a long walk, dance, or do anything that you both love.

Keeping in touch throughout the day

The more we are getting digitally connected the further we are going. Keeping in touch with each other throughout the day through brief messages or calls. Just simple messages can show that you care and miss your partner. Sometimes a simple message can bring a smile to your partner’s face!

Also, Read – Weekend Couple! The New Urban Relationship Status

Enhancing emotional togetherness

• Remember to share your feelings and emotions with the one you love. 
• Everyone has a different way of expressing or receiving emotions. 
• Try and understand what’s your and your partner’s way of showing emotions.
• Don’t do it just for the sake of it.
• Expressing love is not a sign of weakness or mushiness. 
• Share the events of your day every day with your partner. 
• Stay connected with each other during the day. 
• Don’t expect your partner to assume your love. Show it. 
• When you’re feeling down, share your feelings. 
• Non-sexual physical contact is as important as sexual intimacy. A hug, a kiss, a held hand means something. Approach the intimacy issue with open-mindedness and sincerity. Learn about it, use your resources, explore each other’s emotions, and get help if you need it. 
• Do not rush emotional togetherness. You can’t demand it from your partner but develop it over time with little things. So, be patient and keep trying.