Handling Quarrels in Marriage: An Amazing Trick for Resolving Conflicts and Maintaining Harmony

It is so ingrained in our programming that we feel completely normal to see couples fight. In fact, we feel ashamed when couples hug or kiss in public but we pass by silently when they wash their dirty laundry in public quoting it as ‘Ghar Ghar Ki Kahani’.  Is quarrel in marriage that normal?

A few days we heard a couple fighting outside my clinic. Everybody, including me casually turned a deaf ear to the nuisance. I called in the next patient.

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The non-quaralleling couple

Her name was Kalyani a simple middle-aged woman whose words triggered a spiral of thoughts in my mind. She smiled and said, “Doctor, I never understand why couples fight?”

I was shocked to hear that. Was this another hypocrite bashing the society or she genuinely lives by that. I got very curious and asked her, “Mam, don’t you fight or argue with your husband?”

Her response, “Never”!!!

She said that she has been married for 42 years and never in this span, she got into a heated argument with her husband.

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Hit by the hard times

Narrating her perception she shared her story of inter-caste love marriage back in the days when society was a lot less accepting and progressive than it is today. She told me about the tough times that she lived when her husband’s business failed one after another leading them to bankruptcy or when he needed counselling to overcome his depression.

In 1980, her husband lost 3 crores. But more than the money it was the shock that drained them. She took him to a psychiatrist the best in town. He was hospitalised for two days and advised 15 sessions of counselling which was of course very expensive. 

She worked her way hard to foot the bills and bring food to the table. She started her own embroidery business that sprouted well with 10 employees supplying their woven craft to many major brands.

Her husband had to face a hard life. At times, he lost his cool, raised his voice and even used harsh words. But Kalyani always holds her fort and kept her calm. Her reply, “Will you be comfortable if I use the same words on you?” 

Quarrel in marriage – Stay cool

Kalyani stood as a pillar of support to her husband, understanding the frustration of failure that often erupts in the form of anger. She consoled him, comforted him, worked for their family and kept the show running.

He is an engineer and seeing his career shatter was definitely tough. But with love and care, he has overshadowed those insecurities and has come in terms to be happy the way life happens. Now, he extends a helping hand to Kalyani in all the household chores.

Kalyani is a post graduate in psychology and deciphering abrupt human behaviour comes naturally to her. According to her, couples mostly fight because unresolved issues that never get dissolved.

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Quarals in marriage – How to stop this?

• Lack of Intimacy or sex
• Extended Family
• Money
• Horrors of the Past 
• Work Load

She said that the first and foremost thing is to understand and acknowledge the simple fact that couples can coexist without fighting, talk without arguing and live happily without the bitterness. Husband and wife dynamics are so messed in our brain that we never imagine them getting along perfectly. 

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Your Takeaway – quarrel in marriage!

All it takes is a little effort to understand the other person, stand up for and by the one we love even when times are not great! Fights and bitter talks not only affect the dynamics of the relationship but it also corrupts the atmosphere and casts a shadow on the children.

Listen. Respond. Talk. 

That’s the mantra to quarrel-free marriage!