Want your kids to live a good life? Focus on contentment rather than relentlessly pursuing happiness

Recently, I was waiting outside the Ramaiah Memorial Hospital ICU, where my mother was admitted. As the hours stretched on, I chanced to meet the Sharma family – long-time patients of mine. With little to occupy our worried minds beyond praying for our loved ones, we passed the time over endless cups of tea and coffee at the Chai Point cafe on the first floor.

During one such conversation, the Sharmas asked me a question that struck a chord – “What’s the secret to raising happy, successful kids?” As parents, we all wrestle with this, wanting our children’s lives to be rich in meaning and fulfillment. In the quiet intimacy of our hospital vigil, I shared with the Sharmas exciting new research which suggests that rather than relentlessly pushing kids to feel “happy” all the time, parents should focus more on nurturing contentment – an inner sense of peace, purpose, and wholeness that acts as an emotional anchor through all of life’s storms.

Why pursuing happiness doesn’t always work

Happiness has become something of a national obsession. As parents, so much effort goes into showering children with joy, pride, thrills, positive experiences, achievements, and relief from unpleasant emotions. The pursuit of happiness seems noble – who doesn’t want their kids to feel good?

But here’s the catch – happiness is not something we can will into being. Positive emotions ebb and flow naturally. The more we chase happiness as an end goal, the more it slips through our grasping fingers.

 The futile pursuit can backfire

Research shows that the relentless pursuit of positivity and good feelings can be counterproductive.

It sets up unrealistic expectations. When we expect to be happy all the time, normal negative emotions feel like unacceptable failures. This damages self-esteem.

It’s linked to more depression and anxiety. Perfectionistic pressure to feel positive constantly puts people at higher risk for emotional problems when life inevitably happens.  

It erodes meaning and purpose. Chasing emotional highs often means sacrificing deeper sources of meaning and purpose.

 Contentment offers a wiser alternative

So if the frenzied pursuit of happiness is futile, what mindset should we instill in children instead? Here’s where contentment comes in.

Contentment means maintaining an inner sense of peace and wholeness, even amidst changing circumstances. It provides ballast that steadys us through life’s emotional storms.

 Contentment is within reach

The good news is contentment does not require perfection or ideal life conditions. We can choose to cultivate contentment at any moment through small shifts in perspective.

• Focusing on gratitude – appreciating the good we already have
•  Living in the present rather than obsessing over the unchangeable past or unpredictable future
•  Embracing reality rather than resisting what is out of our control
•  Connecting to sources of meaning and purpose that transcend fleeting emotions

Unlike happiness, contentment is not dependent on external validation. It springs from mindfully savouring the beauty in each moment.

 How to nurture contentment in kids

As parents and caregivers, how can we gently guide children to live from a place of contentment rather than seeking validation through accomplishments, excitement, and positive feelings?

 1. Model healthy emotional regulation

Children learn emotional regulation skills from observing us. When we stay calm through life’s ordinary frustrations rather than follow each impulse, kids internalize self-composure.  

 2. Praise efforts over outcomes

Instead of excessive praise and reward for victories, focus encouragement on children’s efforts. This prevents basing self-worth on external achievement. Teach that all we can control is our attitude and actions.

 3. Encourage self-compassion over self-criticism

Self-compassion – treating ourselves kindly – boosts contentment. Criticizing perceived failures erodes it. Help children silence their inner critic and nurture self-acceptance.

 4. Foster curiosity and wonder  

Contentment flows from drinking in the awe and beauty surrounding us each moment – watching trees dance in the wind or stargazing on a night. Share such simple joys with kids.

 5. Embrace serving others

Serving others connects us to something bigger than ourselves, anchoring meaning. Find ways children can contribute based on their talents and interests.

 6. Discuss what matters

Have family discussions about values – what matters beyond social status, wealth, and fame? Instill that character matters more than accomplishments.

 Conclusion: Contentment – the greatest wealth

The legendary Buddha once said, “Health is the greatest gift; contentment is the greatest wealth.” As parents, the most valuable inheritance we can bequeath children is an inner landscape cultivated for contentment to bloom – not a relentless desperation for happiness.

What would it mean to define success on our terms – by the richness of our relationships, the meaning we squeeze from each moment, the integrity with which we move through the world?

Let’s have the courage to walk this road less traveled – nurturing future generations to live from a place of inner surety, not dependency on external validation. Our children will one day change the world. But first, they must find peace within.